Do you know what it feels like to fuck up everything in your life from square one? I do. Everytime I’ve grown fond of someone, I’ve fucked it up. I’ve fucked up a lot for myself, but this post is mostly about my never ending heart ache day after day. No one really reads these, or seems to give a fuck but I don’t care, I need somewhere to place my thoughts.
The first time I fucked up was when I asked a sweet girl to be with me during highschool. We lasted almost 3 years, but I ruined it. It all started out fine, but I started becoming insensitive and did things I shouldn’t have done. We ended up hurting eachother back and forth until she’d had enough, and left for good. At the time, and for a while I didn’t miss her at all. Coming to think of it, I do miss her. She was a good person, and I changed her into someone a lot darker and bitter.
The second, the worst out of the two, was actually recent. Last year I had met another girl, and she could relate to me a lot. Self harm, suicide attempts. We had common interests, so we became really good friends. Eventually I developed feelings for her, but at the time she was with someone. She had a crush on me at this point, and one day when she asked me if I had a thing for her I denied it, because I wanted to respect her current relationship, which didn’t last much longer after that. She thought I wasn’t interested in her at all, and shrugged off her crush for me. Eventually I introduced her to my friend, and they started dating. Of course, it hurt a lot to see this, but it didn’t last for more than a week. After that, some time passed and we had an incident where I…I went sort of, crazy, and cut my hand open. There was a lot of blood, and I was in a call with her while it was happening. It freaked her out, and she was tired of being so stressed over me self harming she left. But it doesn’t end there. I fell into deep depression, self harm, and some suicide attempts. I felt like a big fuck up, for being me. The person I loved the most, I wasn’t good enough for, and scared off. She felt like a missing piece of me, which is why it hurt so much. My friend whom I will call “Shark” helped me out. He was there for me, and made sure I didn’t do anything drastic. Eventually he got her to have an intermission with me, which was her yelling at me and telling me to get professional help, and then, only then would she think about talking to me again. I did so instantly, for her, even though Shark had been telling me too for all those months. Our separation was at August, and eventually we spoke on Christmas again. I woke up Christmas morning to her messaging me, and wanting me to call. I told her I would later, since it was like 1 AM. Eventually that call happened, and things were good for a while. All the while, I couldn’t get the thought of her out of my mind. I was so deep in love I couldn’t help it. Sometimes she would talk about her new boyfriends, stuff like that. I did my best to support her, and shrug it off but it hurt a lot. Eventually we had another separation, because at the time I was clinically depressed and was just being a downer. She decided she didn’t need a downer in her life. So, I thought she was gone for good, and made my way on forwards, heart full of ache and feet slowly moving along. After about three months from our separation, I checked DA to find a note from her, telling me to add her on her new skype. I was so confused, yet thrilled! So, in a rush of excitement I added her back. We hit things off instantly, and she kept talking about how much she missed me, and couldn’t stand to be away from me. As I had come to previously find out she had thought my obsessive love for her was creepy, so this time she said she didn’t care how I felt about her, as long as we were able to talk she was happy. Some time went by, and eventually we made it into April. We began dating. We were talking one day, and she said that some kids in her class had filmed a teacher fucking a dog. She asked me if that was abuse. I asked what she meant, the beastiality or them videotaping. She said she meant the beastiality. I said, if the dog wasn’t putting up any resistance I didn’t think it was abuse. If an animal has a problem with you doing something to it, it will violently resist by clawing and biting and struggling. I then said I don’t know the details of the video, if the dog was pinned, strapped down, so I told her I couldn’t say about that video personally. She got iffy with me, didn’t reply much after that. Our messages before were estatic, tons of them at a time. They became mostly me trying to talk to her, and getting one worded replies. Eventually my friend Tim was having a graduation party, and I was going. That day I tried to get her to talk to me, and she said she was reconsidering us as a thing. Then proceeded to say “It’s not you, the whole dog thing just has me flipped.” I spent my friends grad. party crying in the bathroom mostly. My OWN graduation was coming up soon too. Great. So eventually, cutting out some heart aching details, graduation day comes. I wake up to something along the lines of:
“Hey, I hope you know we’re not dating anymore. Let’s just say we never were. So uh…yeah…sorry.”
Destroyed my day, I was hardly functioning all morning. With a face that killed everyone elses mood. Eventually, skipping graduation details, I got back to my grandmas. She messaged me, telling me she was done with my emotionally straining bullshit and I was a downer. I knew this was the end for good, so I got to let all of my rage out. I basically told her to go fuck herself, and that I was sick of her tormenting me. We unadded and blocked eachother.
I was originally really happy, I felt so relieved to have her gone for good. It was like the weight of the world had been lifted off of me. Only as of late, have I kind of missed her presence, but not even a lot. I found out some other unkindly details about what she did to my friend that…only made me dislike her as a person even more.
Now we come to the most recent, past two months to today. I was browsing FA, and came across a picture I didn’t particularly like up close, but the thumbnail was interesting. I looked in the description and saw 3 icons, one of which caught my attention. I looked at their page.
“ Female | Still in highschool | Bi | Single ”
I read about them on their page, looked at how they generally responded to comments and other things of the sort, and thought they’d be a nice friend! So, I drew them some fanart and asked them if they wanted to chat on skype, and so my journey began. We hit it off really well, we somehow instantly started talking about extremely personal stuff, and as it comes to be, she was a lot like me in some ways. I could relate to her, because she knew what it was like for someone to use you then shatter your heart and leave, self harm and even attempt suicide. She was relatable in a lot of ways, which I think is what made me so comfy talking to her. So, skipping unnecessary details, we ended up bonding really well over the course of 20 days. I had developed feelings for her, they weren’t quite as deep as they had been for my previous interest, but they were enough to keep her in my mind. Any thoughts of my previous interest were replaced and pushed away with this new friend I had made. We shared some pictures, so we knew what one another looked like. It had also turned out she was 15, and I’m 18. Unless you want to go by yearly birthdate statistics, in which case she was 16 and I’m 18. Anyways…I asked her, she asked me if I was serious, because we had been joking about relationships, and I replied with “whatever one makes you the happiest.”
She said we should hold off til winter break, so we could get to know eachother more. I thought it was a good idea, and agreed. For a while things were good, but I messed up and she ended up unadding me. She says it was from her just having a lot of anxiety and being scared of me hurting her, but my friend said she told him something else. There can’t be two truths, so I don’t know who to believe. Anyways, she came back, and things went back to normal for a while. Then school came back around, and things got bad. This is around the time my dad kicked me out of my house. I kind of, became insensitive and just, not happy. Resulting in me doing and saying some rather not great things. Anywho, 8 days ago she unadded and blocked me again, and I can’t help but admit I’ve only been growing more fond of her. The instant detachment has hurt so much, and I hate myself for it. Now, it’s all been coming back to me. How I fucked up my friend, and made her despise me. How I fucked up what I had with, I’ll call her Faye, and finally what I have fucked up most recent. She probably thinks I don’t care about her. It’s funny because, just before she was asking me if I felt the same still, or if I had lost interest.
“Please tell me you feel the same”
I did, and still do. I don’t know what to do with my feelings, and it’s probably what hurts most of all. I love her, but my existence to her is redundent.
Female | Taken | Bi
Again, as the post asks…Have you ever just fucked everything up from square one? Have you ever regretted so much you wanted to die?
I have no way of talking to her, and telling her how much I care, miss and love her. I have no way of apologizing for my behavior, that made her think I didn’t care and that I was just there to use her as a vent and nothing else. I’ll admit it…
I miss her, I miss her so much. It’s been slowly killing me, I don’t know if I can live with myself.
My friend is trying to get her to talk to me again, and I’m trying to change as a person but.
If she really is taken, and not trying to ward off creeps on FA as she had been complaining about, then I don’t know what I’ll do with my feelings. Everyone I grow fond of, I give a part of me to them, and it’s with them forever.
Two days ago, I cried my eyes out over her. I only cried over the girl who was “a missing part of me” once. I cried for hours, continuously over and over and over again. I don’t know if that says or means anything but, I think it proves I actually care about her. I want her to be safe, I want her to feel loved and welcome. Knowing that I can’t help her be safe, or loved or feel welcomed or anything just…Makes it all the worse.
I’ve not been handling it well, I’ve done some drastic things I shouldn’t have but, I’m trying to get better. I really am…Someone told me once that
“Sometimes, people just don’t mesh together. You two just weren’t meant for eachother.”
That statement haunts me, so much. I question it though, she asked me far after the initial “first meeting” feelings, if I felt the same about her. I know she had to have felt something, something that was real…
At this point, you know, I’ve got two choices. I either actually go through with suicide, or I tell myself, “You know what? I’m too scared right now. I don’t want to do it.” If I go through with it, I die, as everyone does eventually… If I don’t go through with it, I essentially choose to suffer and inflict suffering on my friends, and then die, in a way that is considerably more stressful and painful than suicide. I’ve got suffering and death. The choices are…well, that.
We’ll see where this goes, maybe if things get better (or worse) I’ll make an update on my situation.