I haven't posted a video since June, and it's weird because I've been having the most success of my life (with all these 500+ and growing fans) and the least motivation to do anything. I've been trying to think of a way to make this more shareable, or more relatable and useful, and I think it specifically shouldn't be. I want you to understand me a bit better and I feel like if I try to make this more shareable or relatable I might not get across accurately how I'm feeling. Another thing that's a first for me is I've never gotten so many messages from people being like "You inspire me so much!" "I love your character and your movies!" "I think you're really cool!" and stuff like that, pretty much all of them were "I hope you're okay, you make really cool stuff" as opposed to "Do this thing that I feel you owe me" which is a testimate to how considerate my fans tend to be. So I'm going to do my best to recount this as honestly and clearly as possible and even if that isn't shareable or relatable, at least It'll be accurate.
Right now, I hate myself.
Allow me to give some context, rewinding a bit. Near the end of the year I made a goal to release videos consistently every month in a Newgrounds post that I made, which summarizing it described how I was incredibly stressed. What I didn't realize when I posted this post was, that was a smaller symptom of a problem I have had for a long time. A lot of people say though "Oh well you seem so confident and happy in person! Like how could you hate yourself?" and to clarify that...
I am self confident in terms of my skills, but not in terms of my motivation. So whenever it comes to being motivated enough to do something, I fail, I beat myself up hard about it. And I didn't want to say anything to anyone because no one wants to hear about this because it's not shareable, or fun, and in general I just didn't want to be whiny, but I think it's important to admit to when things aren't good.
Anyways, after this post the next few weeks or so I released Madness Cryofixiation and it did incredibly well, but that type of content is so draining and difficult to make, it was really hard to follow up on it. What it feels like, is like this physical sickness that just pushes me away from even thinking about doing something. It's not a conscious "THIS IS WHY I DON'T WANT TO DO IT" and logic doesn't seem to affect it. Usually what drives me in the past has been hating myself so much that I push through that, even though it makes me feel sick. Which doesn't sound very healthy at all, h a h a.
I think possibly the worst, and maybe part of the root of the issue that I got, is that I don't know what I'm feeling most of the time. I feel incredibly emotionally disconnected like if it's not a really intense feeling I am a black box, I have no clue what's going on in there. It's not me keeping my emotions to myself because I talk about them openly and freely with my friends when I DO feel them, and it's not me burying things deep down because I would want to talk about them. It's just my frickin brain won't tell me what is wrong.
Like most people are able to explain what they are feeling in a given situation but I can only seem to guess what I'm feeling based upon how I act. It's like there's a noise gate on my emotion and unless it's over a certain threshold I can't tell what it is at all.
>Using geeky producer analogy
As it stands right now, deep down, I still hate myself, but the rational part of my brain is getting much better at caring for myself like I would care for another person who was having this kind of problem. This is a fundamental change to my personality so I don't expect it to be quick, and I haven't quite figured it out yet, but I am SLOWLY starting to get myself into a routine of working not based on self hatred. So the more I stress and push myself to work the less work I will get done. It's like quick sand, the more I will struggle to work the more I will sink under.
I want to base my new method of motivation on something I really care about. So now I've got to figure out accurately what I deeply value to know how to motivate myself, and I hope you'll be patient with me while I ramp up to being able to release videos again.
As soon as I am ready I will start releasing videos again, and hopefully that will be more consistently.